Went to the dealership to pickup my new car,
a silver Bentley with leather seats.
I’d have preferred a golden bronze with ostrich skin,
but you can’t have everything.

Went over to my neighbors to look at buying his pickup,
an ’88 International with a milk crate for a seat.
It wouldn’t start, but the tires only had 40,000 on them,
and you can’t have everything.

International in geezers, boomers, and seniors

Had them put in an Olympic sized pool.
My Jonathan said he wanted to be a swimmer.
But now, he says swimming is too much work
and the pool is nothing but a huge pond.

Decided to put in a pool for the kids.
So I covered an old tractor tire with a tarp
and filled it with water.
It worked fine until the cow ran though it
and poked holes in it with her hooves.
Now the pool is nothing but a mud hole.

Stopped by Brooks Brothers for a fitting
and found a nice sharkskin, deco double-breasted suit.
It was only $2,000.
A real steal.

Went into the Salvation Army store
and found some nice coveralls.
Since the knees were already patched,
at only two dollars,
it was a real steal.

Bought a purebred dog for my wife.
It’s a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
She named it Princess Darling
and it only eats filet mignon.

Skinny, old dog showed up at our back door.
He’s black and tan and missing one ear.
We named him Killer
because he’ll be hunting his own food.

We had a dinner party last night
and our cook prepared
lobster and caviar on toast points.
It was absolutely to die for.

Last night we had us a barbecue.
Dad cooked up a road kill possum
but it had gone bad.
Several folks nearly died.

Went to the therapist today
and at more than $300 an hour
all he told me was my pain was
because my father never had time for me.

I bought a bottle of Coors for $3
from Joe, my bartender.
He told me I would be in real pain
when my drunken father
sobered up just in time
to beat my ass again.

Made my arrangements today.
Going to be buried in the family plot
at Memorial Park Cemetery.
Picked out the Sterling Deluxe Stainless Steel Casket
so I will be preserved
well into the foreseeable future.

Made my arrangements today.
Going to be buried in the family plot
in the cornfield behind the house.
I’ll be draped in the sheet I die on
and will fertilize the crops
well into the foreseeable future.

Different Lives

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